Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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