PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Randomize
