i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize