After last night, I could never be a politician.
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
