A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
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