I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I want a musical about memes.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
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