At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
