When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
