I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
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