if you like me you must not know who I am
I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize