I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize