I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
As shirtless as possible
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Randomize
