Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
