I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Randomize
