I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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