are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
