you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
