I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
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