nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Randomize
