I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
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