I just cut my nipple shaving
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
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