Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Randomize
