Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
