Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
