i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Randomize
