Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
