I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Randomize
