It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
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