I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
I should be sponsored by Trojan
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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