I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
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