My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
