yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Dude my mom stole all your condoms
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
