i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
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