My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
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