I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Randomize
