So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
