At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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