A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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