I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
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