I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
