I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
