dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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