THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
I just cut my nipple shaving
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
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