I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Randomize
