I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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