I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
