She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Randomize
