It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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