It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
