I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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