in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
You are a booty call, not a friend.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
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