The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
