Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
