if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Randomize
