His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Brb crying the tears of my youth
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
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