Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
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