We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
We had to coat check the pizza.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
