So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
My brain says no but my pants say off.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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