I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
