i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
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