Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Randomize
