This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
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