i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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