Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
chicago's viagra triangle is not unlike the bermuda triangle in thatt things just get lost...... planes, ships, dignity, virginity, etc.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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