If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
