Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Randomize
